Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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