I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize