Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
