I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Buhtt sex?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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