I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
