The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
