hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
