if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
