I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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