i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
