At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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