listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
