winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
