I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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