I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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