last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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