dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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