even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
