he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
