I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
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In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
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I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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