Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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