I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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