my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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