I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
