I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
