JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
