No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i drank out of a bidet.
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Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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