what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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