The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
