make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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