you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
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so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
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But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Randomize