Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
40s are totally the cure
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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