Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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