My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
i think i just lost a toe
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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