one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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