sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize