someone owes me an orgasm
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
