I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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