he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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