I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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