two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
