my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
