that's an acceptable place to lick
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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