WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
