I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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