I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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