No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
