Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
