brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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