I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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