Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
