So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
