you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
