The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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