You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize