Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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