EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
