google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
